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yes...i am still alive   
12:46am 19/12/2003
mood: calm
so i had forgotten about this wonderful world of Livejournal all semester.... :( .... im sorry things have just been, well rushed. im sitting here right now, the last person standing in my hall. Everyone went home for break and me... well im just here trying to stay out of my house as long as possible. A lot of mew people have moved in this year and im proud to say that i am no long caught up with the twisting turning drama that only came wit those conceded, manipulative, "oh everyone look at me i think im SO sexy but the truth of the matter is people would rather not even touch me wit a 10 ft pole" girls that i lived with last year. Things have been so much calmer.... and for once i AM happy! i almost finished all my gen. ed classes and on my way to taking all sociology courses. its kinda crazy how im a sophmore in college already.... time just seems to be flying by! Anyhow, im gonna TRY to update more but i make no promises... i dont have as much time as i use to to just be in my room.

06:40am 01/09/2003
mood: peaceful
"So long sweet summer ...I stumbled upon you and gracefully basked in your rays."

So here we are again another summer gone by and what an amazing one it was! I leave for Willy P in a little bit .....kinda insane how things just flew by. But to tell you the truth, thinking back on all the things ive done and all the moments ive experienced .....i would never change a thing.
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02:58am 24/08/2003
mood: refreshed
im fucking bugging out.... fucking everyone is bugging out .... the stars are fucking glistening in the sky above and all i can d0o is look in awe of their sparkle ..... everything feels so different ... danielles dancin outside .... out in a world of her own ........ laurenm ... god fucking lauren ....if only i could be at the state that shes in right now .... everything feels so amazing .... like were floating ....like that picture i drew ........its a girl with long hair and she floating in a sky full of stars .........shes looking up and spinning slowly enough so her hair is wrapping around her ...... god its a fucking amazing picture ...... i wanna see the world ......all the wonders ..... just everything out there ........ theres so much to see in all its beauty ..... i feel like theres so much of it that it hurts to just sit and absorb it in ..... i wanna be apart of everything around me ..... i wanna feel what its like to glisten in the sky or to float with the breeze as it passes over everyone ...... i wanna be everywhere ..... its silent now ..... everyones peaceful for once ..... wheres that kid with my fucking lighter? ........ i wanna shroom again next weekend .... i wanna go to the beach and feel the water rush up and down my feet .... i wanna be there ..... with the sand and the sun and the amazing blue skys that just extend out at far as the eyes can see ......i want something anything to just wrap itself around me .... i wanna be enclosed in the peacefulness that i am surrounded by right now ......everything feels so amazing ......
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04:15pm 27/07/2003
mood: irritated
i dont think i ever could or even ever wanna understand people.... they just piss me off. So ok the reason why i am in the bitchy state that i am now is because of a few things...1) i DID get my period the other day (yay me!) and i mean paul knows and were both really happy but.... we both work so fucking much that its damn near impossible for us to see each other. So we actually sat down on the phone earlier this week and we decided that sunday would be the day! lunch.... we were gonna do lunch and then chill so i called him this afternoon around 12 to see what/where were going and he told me he was gonna go for a run or bike ride or something and that hed be back in an hour and 1/2 or 2 then hed call me. WELL GUESS WHAT BUDDY ITS NOW 4 HOURS LATER!!!!! ...and he hasnt called...ass... stupid stupid boys!

now reason 2) ive been working way to much...like seriously too much and on top of that i have this need to go out all the time so im never home. ive come to realise that im just wearing myself out and incredible unhappy. Im always tired and irritable but at the same time i really really hate missing out on thing. i just wish time would stop ....just for an hour or two so i can sleep and not miss a single beat of all the madness that goes on in my life.
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06:36pm 23/07/2003
  and i still havent gotten my period.....  
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02:33am 13/07/2003
  what am i doing to myself???  
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07:10am 10/07/2003
mood: restless
*sigh* ...so i went to work this morning (5:45am exactly) only to find out that they over booked lifeguards so they told me i could just go home and still get paid. Normally this would be a fabulous thing but the only problem is now that i cant fall asleep again ...motherfucker!

Anyhow things have been going well over-all. I started work again this past Monday ...the hours absolutly knock me on my ass by the time i come home each day but its nice to know how much money im goin to be making by the end of the summer . Im looking foward to a school year where i actually have money to spend. PLus im really considering also applying to the tanning salon Danielle works at for the school year so on top of the ho9urs i plan on putting into the YMCA during the school year i can also work there and get free tans (which i really dont need but hey at least i wont be white by the end of the school year again).

I had this great conversation with Andreia last night. I really think she really doesnt want me to live home next semester ...everytime i talk to her or even see her online the first thing she'll ask is if i intend on staying on campus. Its nice to kno someone really wants you to stay ...and i mean like someone not like Lola or Ashley who i talk to all the time and i obviously know they want me to stay. I think the problem is that i really really nervous still about the entire Lisa situation ...and thats basically what the conversation yesterday was about. It was such relief that im at least gonna have someone by my side and someone that at least sees how stupid this is going to get if we finaly get back to school and lisa still wants to hold a grudge. I think thats why ive always loved Andreia ....as much as we can get on each others nerves over stupid stuff we understand each other ...shes been my support through alot last year and i think besides the boys shes gonna be one of the few people im really gonna be happy to see in the fall.

SO i went to Pauls the other day ...he's sick so we just chilled ...played chess(yea i kno were dorks) and just talked. I really wish i knew exactly where all this is going. I mean i would never go back on anything thats happened with us but i just want to get into his head, if just only for a few moments, just to know what he thinks of all this. I took Danielle's advice and asked why it took him so long to call me after he got my number and i mean at least that gave me some relief ...he told me he didnt wanna interrupt me with my finals and then he was just reall busy with his hospital internship and work in general but as soon as he got his shit together he knew he wanted to call so he did. I mean i guess thts the way i would do it too if i was him instead of having turn out like they did with Dave from Montclair. When he called right away and we started "seeing" each other then just didnt have enough time for me in his schedule.

Well off to bed again to try to get an nap in ....
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i dont wanna go home :(   
10:16am 02/07/2003
mood: bouncy
So last week my friend Vern from Massachusetts (a former Ridgewood peep} came back to good 'ol Jersey to see his friend graduate. So Weds night he crashes at my house and asked if i wanted to go back to Mass. with him .....so here i am! The two of us drove the full 5 and a freakin 1/2 hours up here and you kno what it was worth every second! Right now im in a town called Chatham and i absolutly love it. This area is amazing and as for Vern's friends/ family ....I LOVE THEM! Everynite has been something different ....its so weird to see how differently people do things here. Example: back home partying can be such a hassle, its so hard to find empty houses most of the time or even if we just wanna smoke we gotta drie around and around constantly whuch can be such a problem ....but here its just so laid back, its so different being in a place where u can just go to a beach and just party there. ::sigh:: i dont wanna go home .....more details about what i actually did here when i get home....
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10:41pm 27/06/2003
mood: bored
Me:"So what do you wanna do today?"
Paul:"I don't know i was thinking of taking a trip to cloud nine and then somewhere for lunch."
Me:"Now does this trip cost me any money because if it does i need to take a ride to the bank then."
Paul:"For you babe ....it wont cost a thing."

So obviously things with Paul are going really well, even thouh im really not all that sure whats going on with us. I mean thats wht i hate about college dating ...its like in high school you go one minute from being frineds to boyfriend and girlfriend and then in college all of a sudden its like you are juyst "dating" and to finally get to that point where you kno what the fuck is really going on takes FOREVER! But anyhow ...I still cant get over the fact that this is all really going down i mean say it with me now people this is PAUL WINKLER! I dont know its like theres so much of me that just so fricking giddy and just amazingly happy that all this is happening but i mean theres so much that i still have on my mind. I just think that a big problem im having right now is just my own insecurities. Its like i keep thinking to myself "...Why me? He could do soo much better." just basically all that bullshit. *sigh* i dont know i just wish i knew what the fuck was really going on, not that im not happy with what i have right now ....im just looking for something stable, is that too much for a girl to ask?
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08:03pm 21/06/2003
mood: lazy
so what has little jess been doing with her time since papa jaume jacked her cigs ....well .....i took a few weeks off from the ymca which means i actually get to have a few weeks of real summer!!! i really need to start hanging out with people from gr more, i was thinking about that the other night. now dont get me wrong i love hanging out with Danielle and the boys from paramus and hobokon and even john and chris but i feel so out of the loop. OH....and as for last night .....who had a date with the love of her life since 7th grad .... wait that would be me!!!! :-) PAUL WINKLER baby!! i still am having my moment when i think "wow did last night really happen?!?!?!" im suppose to call him later .....yay! and well ...wow theres soo much more but i really dont even know where to start except i hate typing ....so lets just sum it up and say im for once in a long time HAPPY!
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11:30am 16/06/2003
  so papa jaume decided to clean out the cars last night ....no biggy right? WRONG! so i go to drop off a movie when hes done and i notice my cigs are missing ...motherfucker ...so i get back home and were watching tv in the living room .....momma jaume leaves to take a shower and my dad and i look at eachother...... "Oh i found a pack of cigs in ur car before, thanks for the pack u saved me a walk to the gas station" ....

....thanks dad :-/
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04:16pm 05/06/2003
mood: full
So i havent really gotten a chance to update you all on the wonderful life of me! well heres basically whats you've all missed.

First and formost: LUISA'S NOT COMING BACK TO WILLY P! she told me last thursday which totally put me into tears because not only was i amazing upset that i now lost an incredible roommate but also im worried because the reason she has to withdraw is because her diabetes has gotten steadily worse and now the doctors either want her close to home or possibly back in the hospital. im gonna miss her so much, we went through so much bullshit this past year that made us so much closer as friends and i was so excited to live with her again next year but now i have no one. i dont want some new roommate next semester that i have to get use to. Luisa and i were perfect together ...we could finish each others thoughts ...we just knew how each of us worked and it made last year just amazing. so now i guess all i can do is wait and see how this new girl is ...bleh.
Secondly my sister graduated from UDel this past weekend and i personally dont ever think i have ever been so proud of her. It was an amazing weekend, i think we have gotten alot closer now than we ever were (which definalty had to do with maturity on both of out parts). I had alot of fun watching her graduate. Now just one month until she moves back home ....its gonna be well intersting.
What else ...oh heres a good one. So as most of my friends know my mom and i never really got along over anything. We fight like cats and dogs on a daily basis and sometimes lets face it shit gets serious. Well anyhow sunday i think was the last straw for her ...and what happened ....MOMMA JAUME WANTS TO PUT ME INTO THERAPY! now its not that im against it, actually im very much so, but i not all for the reasons she wants me to go. she wants to do sessions with me so we can "solve out problems" and i mean yea it would be great to not fight all the time but what i need is to really figure a bunch of things out on my own with a therapist ....not with her. but i mean who knows ....either way i think for the most part this will all be benificial i mean after all for years ive been saying how i really do need to go see someone to get things out of my head and figure out somethings in my life.
SO last night i ventured up to La Casa De Lola and had alot of fun while there. now granted i think the 2 of us put together are the most unproductive people but hey we have fun doing what we do best ....NOTHING! i love her, shes understands my insanity sometimes so well or at least is very amused by it. Anyhow all in all the night was a very much needed one. Just to talk and rant about things always does a girl some good ....lola i love you!
And last but not least this weekend Dani and i are off to Seaside to visit Harry and Mike ....Paramus High School Prom Weekend baby! This should be interesting. i mean who would pass up an invite from 2 of their chillest guy friends to spend a night getting completely shitfaced for free and not have to put anything down for the room. plus i mean its Harry and Mike....i love them! Marina and Tomoko might also be coming which will just make things all the more interesting ....God i cant wait. More on this when i return.....
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i have so muich to write but i think im just gonna start with something random...   
11:16am 05/06/2003
  i had a dream about the guy (steve)in my philosophy that i drooled all over basically last semester ...now i have his cell number (we traded on like the last week of classes when he finally realized i existed) ....i cant help but keep asking myself if i should call him or not ...hmm?  
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11:16pm 28/05/2003
  So ive been doing alot of thinking to go along with the tons of hours ive been working ...aka sitting on pool deck doing NOTHING! and well i can truly say openly for the first time that i am not happy with who i am as a person. i kno this sound so random but i mean ive really put so much thought into so many different issue and have not once been satisfied with any of my coclusions. i hate how things have been going on with me and boys in general, i hate how the entire situation with AJ turned out, i hate how Dave just didnt have enough time for me, i hate how jay is now just totally treating me like shit and makes me feel like these past few months hes been using me to make himself feel significant. i wanna find someone that actually appreciates me (then again who doesnt) furthermore i wanna to finally be able to see who is the good and the bad guys before they run off with my heart again.
Secondly, im not happy with myself in general. did u kno that this lady maria that works at the ymca with me for the past year has been telling me that im fat and should loose weight and all these other unneccasary comments and i never really let it get to me until she did it a few days ago! i hate it...and its been bugging me because she says it so much that im realy beginnig to believe it. ive become so selfconscious lately its been really killin me. i hate feeling fat. i hate worrying how thing look on me, if i look skinny. i never really understood how much someones constant comments really can get to someone until now. i hate selfconsciousness and i hate even more how much it is eating away at me.
i can really go on and on about just everything that been eating away at me and im ready too but the truth is im just way to lazy. i guess in a way i just have deal with the fact that insecurities are a part of living right? i mean it is human nature ...isnt it? i just wish i had someone here to tell me otherwise.
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10:27pm 25/05/2003
mood: anxious
well what an interesting weekend ...so heres the deal. So Dani girl, Marina and i were suppose to be going to the beach friday night. Did it happen ...no ...but with good reason. So Dani's papa (grndfather) passed away yesterday afternoon so we just decided to stay around. But, we still had out fun ...went out with Harry and Melo ...smoked out faces off ..took a drive into NYC to see the lights on the building (yes we were that fucked up) ...then slept (sleep is GOOD).
Then comes today, Saturday ....Marina and i woke Dani up at the ass-crack of dawn (aka 9:30) because of an intense urge for pancakes and as Marina puts it "Those stuffed things with strawberries" ...so hop-hop-hoppin to the IHOP we went mmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!! Took a short trip to La Casa De Jaume and then off to Seaside we wnt. Now, why on earth three perfectly sober girls would go to the beach on one of the shitiest days i dont kno but we had fun doing it anyhow. Got some WAWA food, vinegar fries and well did our fair share of shoplifting ...dont ask we::cough cough:: more like i ::cough cough:: have problems. anyhow ...now im sitting here in Dani's room, three sober girls anxiously waiting on Harry to call us back so we can get out smoke on...

...morre later :)
04:14pm 22/05/2003
mood: sleepy
so ...being a girl we all have our "little ways" to get over a guy disappointment. mine, unfortunatly, is shopping with what little money i DON'T HAVE! i really do have some type of shopping problem, it's like once i start i have difficulty stopping. In the past 3 days i have brouht for myself:

2 t-shirts
2 tank tops
3 pairs of flip flops
1 tube top
1 pair of "active pants" ....i hate that name


talked my mom into buying my a fake Fendi purse

....someone stop me before i hurt myself!
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fuck you jay. . .   
01:04am 20/05/2003
mood: crushed
conversation 11days ago (my birthday exactly):

Me: Can i ask you a serious question? Why me jay? Why are you back in my life all of a sudden? i mean whats going on now with us?

Him: i dont know Jess, I mean, its like over the past year or so we didnt see eachother i always regretted what i did. I mean it's like after all that time i never got you out of my system. And i mean as of right now, with the break-up and all, i dont wanna take anything fast i mean i dont want you to free second best thats why i dont wanna jump into anything.

How is it that he can say this and then pull what he just did. Oh, for those of you who dont kno let me explain the shit Jay just pulled. So i finally get a hold of him to hang out tonight. He says, "oh i have family stuff to do but later on tonight we can definatly get together." So he called, im with Dani at my house watching a movie so i tell him to come by. So he gets to the house with hickies all over him and just talks and talks about all the stupid things hes done with this girl Jen. Are you fucking serious!?!?!?! who does that? Why would he show up knowing he had hickies all over him and put no fucking effort to even hide them and they just talk about someone else. Oh and then he says he has to leave like 20 mins later.

I always wondered why i loss faith in people so quickly and this is exactly why. I put my trust in someone, i give too many people second chances and in the end i always am the one getting fucked over, the one getting hurt. i hate it. i hate this. do i seriously have some "toy with me" sign stuck to my back because thats what its beginning to feel like. i cant take being hurt anymore, im not as strong as everyone sees me as. im broken. Everyone tells me im this amazing girl and just such a great person, if this is true then why does no one else but my true friends see this? I just wanna be washed away by my tear to some magical place. . .somewhere where things actually make sense and i dont end up gettin hurt so many times. This year has really just been too much for me, between aj and dave and now this i cant be this strong person anymore

....all i wanna do i fade away.
heres a question?   
11:31am 19/05/2003

...call me mothafucka
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this shit's fucked up! >:o   
01:39pm 18/05/2003
mood: infuriated
wtf?!?!?!? so the people from hobokon called to hang out last night ...so tomoko and i figured what the hell they were having another party lets make an apearance ...we get there its al Mario's friends (total sausage party but Mokes and i had fun anyways). But, i look in my purse this morning ...im missing $20 ...call tomoko ...she's missing $20! now thats fucked up ...i hate people
09:53am 14/05/2003
mood: thirsty
Well here i am, its 10:06 and im alittle less than an hours from my last final of the year! woohooo

So i would like to say that my first final this morning, math. . . yea i think there is a huge possibility i failed that, but with style at least. And just knowing that got me thinking this morning as a was walking to the atrium (where i am presently sitting). What is the real point of this waste of time and money place we call college. I mean i kno yes it helps us further our education and prepares us for the "real world" yadda yadda yadda but seriously people. What about those of us who dont wish to further our education just learn about what we want to do and bounce. i mean dont get me wrong i love some of the qualities of college life. . . the freedom, the people and all but people do i really need contemporary math to become a social worker, or know what the inside of a frog looks like or even know about gad damn emily dickenson??? i think not. all i wanna do is get to the courses i really need and away from all the other bullshit my parents are paying for.

::sigh:: on a different note i am officially all moved out of the c-flo. its kinda sad actually, im gonna miss it but by god i swear i cant wait to sleep in my own bed without firealarms! it'll be like my very own little piece of heaven! but anyways 1:45 the clock runs out and as emily cho drives up to take me home there will be nothing but i smile on my face and my middle finger in the air! peace out mothafuckers im going home! :)
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